in what can only be referred to blisteringly as ‘the blunder from down under’, it has come to my attention that australians have nothing better to do with their time. what prompted this? they have just completed a study telling us, in all seriousness, that one in ten gamers are addicted. wtf? following the lead of the aussies, we decided to pretend to do work too.
‘seriously!’ several doctors bitched at our reporters when asked for a comment. ‘here are some warning signs and indicatations!’ then, they wrote them down in chalk on a board. i copied them down and here they are…
– Recurrent thoughts and urges about playing: shit. i tweet all the time about little big planet and the saboteur. i think about it when i’m commuting too.
– Restlessness and irritability when not playing: this is strange. if i’m doing something boring, like having to be on the subway while some douche tries hitting on me, i experience the same thing. doesn’t mean i am an addict.
– Repeated unsuccessful attempts to cut back: really, i *want* to listen to yet another boring, self-involved monologue from some jackass at a party, but i know in my heart and soul i will always have better things to do.
– Studies or work negatively affected: sometimes i don’t have enough time to rid the capital wastelands of deathclaws. or sometimes fallout 3 glitches.
– Problems in “significant relationships”: if your partner spends 8 hours a day gaming, you need to get a better personality.
– Giving up other social activities: upon intese cross-examination, it was discovered that the doctors were referring to knitting and backgammon in lieu of gaming.
– Sore eyes, back pain, strain injuries: couldn’t taking a shit ellicit the same symptoms? ‘wow, vulgar’ said an elderly grandmother when polled about something totally unrelated.
– Sleep loss, weight gains or losses of 5kg: you know, when i am faced with some bitches i cannot defeat, i plot. if i lose a bit of sleep, it is probably because i drink too many caffeine things.