are you tired of hearing snarky comments about sony’s move? i am. microsoft kinect? wtf? xbox fanboys are frothing at the mouth over it, but why? it’s more expensive than sony’s efforts and frankly seems to be far more boring. i may get the move, but i gotta say that i’m going to finish the stack of games they bombarded us with the last few years. what i really like is that i can integrate it into my life, later. today, just for fun, i am going to rip apart microsoft fucking kinect. and then let’s do everyone a favour and drop it, mmkay?
even the name of the product fails. playstation move: very obvious what it does. even if you may not be sure what it does, you know one thing: something will move. in a good way, of course.
microsoft kinect? sounds like a program for illiteracy. ‘the bill and melinda gates foundation are, like, wicked stoked to announce the launch of microsoft kinect. it’s a program that will teach children to read so they can speak good and stuff.’
a lot saddens me about kinect games. not only did they choose all of the most unimaginative, boring adjectives possible, but then they started to make up their own. let’s examine a sampling of games:
- Kinectimals: i shit you not. probably the best you will find, if you think petting a cartoon tiger in a video game is fun. then again, it’s marginally more exciting than their other offerings.
- The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout: i strongly suspect that this is more a hilarious in-joke at microsoft regarding their consumer base than an actual game.
- Kinect Joy Ride: ‘unsuitable product name? oh please, like anyone will object to children being taught the finer points of hotwiring a car. the fingers of children are so nimble. this is the perfect activity for an impressionable child… ok, if emma from marketing ACTUALLY has a problem with this name, she can kiss my ass. ever since she and tom had that baby she’s turned into SUCH a killjoy.’
- MotionSports: ‘lol steve from creative got called into a meeting and then went home. guess we’ll have to think up a name ourselves.’
playstation move games? let’s see…
- killzone 3
- zumba fitness
- littlebigplanet 2
- nba 2k11
playstation move? needs the playstation eye ($40) and a controller ($50). games are going to be $40. plus you apparently don’t really need the other controller; you can use the regular one.
kinect? well, microsoft carries on their proud tradition of gouging people for their products. assuming you have a fully-stocked xbox 360 [for which you paid way more than a ps3 owner would have for a comparable system], your price tag is: $150. it comes bundled with a game, but every game after that is $60. bitch, PLEASE. who comes up with this shit?
ultimately, the kinect has one advantage: it doesn’t need a controller. you’re it. and if that little novelty will win you over, then go for it. otherwise, stop bitching and let people enjoy what they want.