fuuuck. i have been playing a couple of retro games lately, and oh my fucking god there are TWO characters in NES world that are the bane of my existence.
toad and that fucking duck hunt dog.
let’s examine toad. this little shit stain continuously and smugly informs mario that ‘the princess is in another castle’. after about the eight time i hear that, i’m ready to just tell princess whateverthefuckhernameis that i’m fed up with her tricks and her mind games and that if it’s all the same to her, i will just sit this one out. i mean, toad is always running up and being all-knowing and such. therefore, i can logically assume that he knows where she is and i can do more important things like get the authorities on this shit, since there’s something not cool going down somewhere. forcible confinement, kidnapping, i don’t know exactly what the fuck is going on but you have my word that something will be done.
it’s not just there he makes an appearance. he shows up in many mario games, like mario kart for n64. seriously? how the fuck can this little bitch see over the steering wheel? let’s not even get into the physics portion: he small and thus faster; giving him an edge over the other racers.
not only that but he is a mushroom. a mushroom! how does mario know he’s even REAL? going through sewer pipes all day, every day has GOT to do something to your brain after a while. to be honest, my inclination here is to chalk it up to a hallucination. however, it is actually real and i am just simply not down with that.
the duck hunt dog is even worse. this useless and incompetent hunting dog cannot be shot, no matter how hard i try.
i want you all to know i tried. i love dogs. love them, albeit in an appropriate way. in fact, in general i am an animal lover, but he’s just not cutting it. i need those ducks fetched, and since i shot them, it’s only fair he goes and retrieves them.
this is food we are going to eat because it has come to this. should i be expected to do everything? hell no.
then, of course, are the rare and bittersweet moments where this johnny fuckface achieves the goal he is meant to do. rejoice, players! dog has retrieved ONE duck out of god knows how many i shot at. does he expect a marching band? apparently. there seems to be a lot of celebration, most of it obviously unwarranted.