i’ve detailed to most of you how much i hate the blackberry. to some of you, my offline friends, you’ve heard exactly how much i hate the blackberry. it started as a ‘yeah, it should happen’. then it became a ‘it needs to happen’. i started looking around. fido teased. rogers teased. obnoxious gamer gnashed her teeth, and the blackberry just cackled and ate a puppy.
sometime around the millonth browser crash trying to open a text-only email, it became ‘I AM CHAINED TO THIS PIECE OF SHIT PLASTIC BALL AND CHAIN BECAUSE MY WIRELESS PROVIDER IS A SOULSUCKING COMMUNIST HACK.’
then one day, i was walking on lowther avenue. it’s near where i work, and it’s so beautiful. it’s quiet, tons of shiny cars, and some of the most gorgeous homes in toronto. suddenly, this car pulls up. it was an ok-looking SUV with an older female driver. thank god, since i wasn’t in the mood for an abduction. she was looking for grosvenor street. i’m from a small town, the kind where we rely more on landmarks and less on street names. i knew vaguely where it was – you can’t miss it if you go north on yonge street – but couldn’t give her more detail than that.
then i remembered: blackberry! maybe it could help!
‘oh!’ i exclaimed. ‘i have a smartphone. hold on a second and i can be more specific.’
the lady made some noises about how she should make more of an effort to be current. shockingly, the blackberry did its job, bringing grosvenor street up on a tiny screen. i started to describe the route, but it became clear that wasn’t working since she barely knew where she was.
scene setting: very safe neighbourhood, lady driver, broad daylight, cheap SUV. pretty girl with a shitty phone. it was like an ad for safety. plus, it wasn’t like this was gangster barbie. so i stepped closer. this was a bad move on my part, since the light breeze that day was protecting me from the car stench. the stale cigarette smoke wafted out and you can’t back away from that shit once it finds you. the aging basset hound hiding in the back seat made an appearance, and added to the smell. inside the car itself was filthy. papers, garbage, dirt, dust. that shit was like hoarders on wheels. obviously i need to wear glasses on a more regular basis.
then it hit me. i could give her the blackberry for her to see the map for herself. she’d get to know where she was going. i’d be helping someone. and if i was lucky, this filth factory would speed off down the quaint little road with my blackberry. she’d steal my stupid phone! i’d be free! bingo bango, problems solved.
i didn’t hesitate handing it over, but even the dog seemed shocked when i did this. i willed her to take it. ‘STEAL IT!’ i yelled in my head. ‘IT’S NOT LIKE I CAN USE IT!’, i bellowed mentally. ‘I HAVE NO PERSONAL DATA ON IT! TAKE THIS SHIT AND LEAVE!’
she handed it back. i was so disappointed.
a few days later, i stumbled into wireless wave, trying to pay my damn bill. a salesguy was in there, and we got to talking. i walked out – no, FLOATED – and it was the first day of the rest of my life.