i read a review about duke nukem a while that banged on about ‘visual fidelity‘. after i cleaned up my own vomit, i thought ‘fuck those guys. this shit has been 12 years in the making. it will be awesome’.
i bounced into the local game stop and preordered duke nukem forever. my thoughts about the game could be summed up thusly:
the blank space is the part where i realized that i was… misinformed. my reaction was more of ‘smiley face’, closely followed by ‘ugh. did i pay for this? yes? i didn’t buy those shoes from banana republic for this? fml.’
let me explain. i am a few chapters in, and i think it’s… meh. not worth the hype, good or bad. it is, without question, a disappointment. i am a bit late to the game, but whatever.
i feel a little bad for the game, truth be told. old duke was a fucking bad ass. he kicked ass. he chewed bubble gum. sometimes he was all out of gum. the levels were funny, if not slightly disturbing.
then we all know what happened, old duke got a little lost. then some devs rescued him. the duke nukem we all knew and loved back in the day had a lot to live up to in this new game. after all, it was the 90s. everyone smelled like teen spirit. party of five was a thing. i feel in general that we all had lower standards. keeping all that in mind, i cut him some slack.
it’s not the worst video game i have ever played. the graphics are whatever. that’s ok. i like a lot of games that aren’t eye-poppingly real. i am even ok that the plot is familiar. there are jokes about the olson twins, late night tv shows, and a lot of aliens that i get to punch in the face. good so far, right? wrong.
the game play is what i take issue with. it is ruining the game for me. it is clumsy. it’s sloppy. there aren’t enough guns. duke, and i am not joking here, plays with poo. yes, you read that right. missions, while simple, are not really explained in great detail. everything boils down to ‘hey go kill an alien…’ why? because the aliens are ‘stealing the women of the world’? i don’t care, and duke nukem sure as hell shouldn’t. my duke threw money at strippers and beat up aliens. he kicked down doors, killed evil, looked good doing it, and he just liked to have fun. he doesn’t care about specific women, he just wants some. in duke’s world, there are plenty of bitches to go around. why knock yourself out to rescue people?
to be fair, there are a few jokes in the game. it’s not insufferable. if you bought it for $10, that is a good deal. even $25. full price? i want to punch the developer in the face. i kind of wish i could return the game. you know, get my money back.
in short, duke nukem forever is like the sylvester stallone of video games. kind of ok at some parts, but mostly he is unable to make a comeback. let’s leave the man alone. or better yet, put him on an ice floe and send him to sea.